| 
  • If you are citizen of an European Union member nation, you may not use this service unless you are at least 16 years old.

  • You already know Dokkio is an AI-powered assistant to organize & manage your digital files & messages. Very soon, Dokkio will support Outlook as well as One Drive. Check it out today!

View
 

Chemistry Jokes

This version was saved 12 years, 7 months ago View current version     Revert to this version     Page history
Saved by Ian Balcom (Dr B.)
on September 1, 2011 at 11:28:57 am
 

 

 



 

 

A proton and a neutron are walking down the street. 
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it." 
The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."

 

Money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element. 
The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.

 

As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up: 
Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.

 

The optimist sees the glass half full. 
The pessimist sees the glass half empty. 
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.

 

Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? 
A: A ferrous wheel.

 

Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? 
A: H2O cubed.

 

Q: What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar? 
A: OH SNaP!

 

A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".

 

Q: What do you do with a dead chemist? 
A: Barium

 

Q: What did one ion say to the other? 
A: I've got my ion you.

 

Q: Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber? 
A: To reduce his carbon footprint.

 

Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? 
A: One molar solution.

 

A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you," The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."

 

Q: What do you call a clown who's in jail? 
A: A silicon.

 

Q: Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia? 
A: Because it's pretty basic stuff.

 

Q: What emotional disorder does a gas chomatograph suffer from? 
A: Separation anxiety.

 

Q: Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak? 
A: Because it's in the ground state.

 

Florence Flask was getting ready for the opera. All of a sudden, she screamed: "Erlenmeyer, my joules! Somebody has stolen my joules!" The husband replied, "Calm down, honey. We'll find a solution."

 

Q: If H20 is water, what is H204
A: Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.

 

Titanium is a most amorous metal. When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything.

 

Q: What did one titration say to the other? 
A: "Let's meet at the endpoint."

 

Q: What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph? 
A: Breaking up is hard to do.

 

Old chemists never die, they just stop reacting.

 

Q: What is "HIJKLMNO"? 
A: H2O.

 

Q: When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response? 
A:C over lambda.

 

Q: How did the chemist survive the famine? 
A: By subsisting on titrations.

 

Q: What happens when spectroscopists are idle? 
A: They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.

 

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

 

Q: Why can't lawyers do NMR? 
A: Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.

 

Q: What element is derived from a Norse god? 
A: Thorium.

 

Q: What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
A: He was booked for a salt and battery.

 

Q: What element is a girl's future best friend? 
A: Carbon.

 

Little Willie was a chemist. Little Willie is no more. What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.

 

Q: What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin? 
A: Polar Bond.

 

 

 

 


For those taking Organic Chem next year, this will make more sense then.

 

Q: What is the name of the molecule bunny-O-bunny?

A: An ether bunny

 

 


This one was sent in by Kristen W. Thanks...

 

http://www.cognitive-edge.com/blogs/dave/2009/01/hell_explained_by_a_chemistry.php

 

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT  

 

The following is an actual question given on a  University  of Arizona  chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. 
 
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :  
 
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?  
 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. 
 
 One student, however, wrote the following:    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. 
 
 Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
 
This gives two possibilities:  
 
 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.     2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.  So which is it?   If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'  THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Comments (0)